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Sunday, November 27, 2011

I've Moved

Well, it's true! I no longer write on this blog, but have begun a new blog with Wordpress.com I would love for you to head over there and see what I'm up to!

http://jamiesara22.wordpress.com/

Thanks for reading :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Rose In Bloom: "I'm Not Ready"

A Rose In Bloom: "I'm Not Ready" A blog post on emergent #leadership, being an #sagrad, and this ever-changing world.

"I'm Not Ready"

I've been sitting with the idea that "I'm not ready" for the semester, for my role as a GA, to be a good friend, to be a good sister/daughter. I'm just not ready. I can feel that I'm not the only one, too. My peers were saying this exact thing as we began classes. "Jamie," they'd say, "I'm just not in class mode, yet." Or, "I just don't feel it anymore." And I'd agree.

My first opportunity to process this 'not ready' idea came in my Teaching Assistant course. We sat down an hour before the actual large class started to process things as TAs. The evening began in an unfamiliar way. The chairs we expected to have on loan to fill in for the larger class size were not there. The TAs had to scramble through the empty classrooms and 'borrow' chairs for our class. Then, the TA classroom we planned on using was being occupied by another class. So, we squeezed ourselves into the smaller conference room available to us, (from a nice professor who said we could use it even though he had booked it). There we were, free to talk about what we were holding for ourselves or for the group. I opened with, "I'm not ready."

This concept didn't get around the table too far before it was taken to a different place. Someone brought up the idea of 'readiness' looking differently now than it had in the past. The way we, as individuals, get ready for things isn't serving us anymore and we're starting to feel it. And, of course, it wouldn't be a leadership class if we didn't look at the bigger picture. It makes sense to say that what is happening within our small group is a microcosm for what is happening in this country. For example, the Northeast had never had to be ready at the level required to get through a hurricane; those in such a populated area of Texas were not ready for wildfires; and, though it happened later, those in Southern California, Mexico and Arizona were not prepared for a major blackout.

For me, this began a much larger thought process on readiness. Here I am, (and so we are), holding so desperately onto what has worked for me in the past, full well knowing it's not serving me anymore. This country, politically, socially, economically, is holding onto what used to work when it obviously isn't working anymore. Globally, we are experiencing uprisings because what has worked for those countries isn't serving them. And people are blindly saying that they're not ready for what is happening.

I am also taking a class called Organizational Theory and Leadership this semester. Though we've barely scratched the surface on what this truly feels like to practice, some things have already come up. We are focusing currently on Team Learning, an idea developed by Peter Senge. It's complicated, but at the same time so basic: in order for organizations to change, they must do it together! As a team. A team of people who suspend their assumptions, open up to dialogues and discussions, and begin to rethink things. Of course, suspension requires a lot of...trust and willingness, which is something many teams don't have. All of that being said, I truly believe this is the direction we, as a society, need to head in. The way we've been functioning isn't working...let's give something else a try.

My final piece on all of this is from a conversation I had with a friend the other day. We were chatting about how tired we both all. Even when we get sleep, we're still tired and not ready for the semester. We started talking about this exhaustion--about its texture. We came to this point when we realized just how different we are this year than we were last year. We've had an entire year in a leadership program that has taught us to see the world differently. We hold things that we normally wouldn't have noticed. We process things in ways we couldn't have imagined last year. We are different. And it can be exhausting. None of it is bad, and I don't believe either of us would change the path we're on; but, being aware of it has personally helped me cope with the exhaustion. It has also helped me let go of some things, knowing that I can't and shouldn't be holding it all.

Taking all of this 'big' stuff into my everyday life has changed it. I ended my engagement because I truly feel that the person I spend my life with has to be on this same field as me. Not everyone wants or needs that, but personally, it's something I feel I need. I even talk differently. I say things like, "I'll hold this for you" not referring to physical items; "I'm in this space today;" "My experience is...;" and so much more. I listen in a way I can't describe. I talk in a way that feels true. I have lost some friends in this process. People who have stayed in a place that I can't reach. But, I've made so many friends, too. And some of them aren't my friends, necessarily, they are 'thought partners.'

My purpose at work is changing, too. I still love and appreciate student affairs; but, I am looking for ways to bring these discussions to my office. I am searching for jobs that will incorporate and give me a space to process and discuss these things. I now know, for sure, that I want to teach, too. I want to use the practices I've seen my professors model to teach leadership in numerous capacities. I'd even go as far as to say that I would be interested in pursuing executive coaching. Some day...when I get more experience. I just know that I want to surround myself with people with whom I can have these discussions. I have not found, at least not yet, these discussions happening on the Student Affairs side of my university. It is, clearly, something we talk about in the Leadership Studies department, and is now a huge piece of my life.

I'm ready...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What Up New Graduate Assistantship?

Well, my summer has been super busy! I finished my first year of my Master's program with amazing grades and even more amazing friends. I kicked off the summer with a visit to the great state (it is, so hush) of New Jersey followed by a trip to visit my fiance in England. And before I knew it, it was July and I had to return to reality.

My reality has turned out to be pretty busy, too! I started my new assistantship, Graduate Student Life, just last week and have been in a state of constant spinning. At first, I was nervous! This made me feel silly because I'm at the same school, working under the same Student Affairs umbrella; but, as I was reminded, it may be the same place, yet I needed a new outlook and refreshed ideas in order to be successful.

How many times does this happen to us? We enter another year at the same institution, but we go in with old ideas and feelings that don't serve us? I was grateful for the reminder to begin fresh.

It didn't take long for anxiety to set in, though. By day two, I realized that the setup of the office wasn't entirely suitable for the success of the graduate student. The desk and computer, which belonged to the GA, was also the desk and computer of the work study students. I felt that I spent the entire previous year in my GA seminar classes talking about creating a space that made you feel connected, and here I was, trying to figure out how I was going to share my tiny space with a handful of other students. I was stressing about not having a computer accessible to me at all times. How was I going to get my work done? How was I going to create a schedule for the work study students that reflected the times I needed the computer...when I had no idea when I'd need the computer? Stress=no sleep.

Stress=I needed a plan.

There was not money in the budget for another computer and in order to get furniture, you need a year...ridiculousness! I sought out another supervisor and asked her what she thought might work. (Here's where networking and being super nice kicks in, pay attention!). She said she's seen a room full of computers the university isn't using and that if seek out the right person in Operations, I could be guided to an old desk or something. I called the IT office and spoke to the IT person I knew from my old position. I asked what the deal was with this mysterious room of computers and he told me they were just 'old' by the university standards, but were completely fine. So...they're free and a request was approved for me to get one! Then, I sought out the head of Operations for my building and was (not) surprised to find that I had been to an off campus event with her. We struck up a conversation and she said she'd be on the look-out for desks. A day later, I was hooked up with one!

Problem solved=stress level down.


Later my supervisor said to me, "Now I know if I give you an answer you don't want for something you think is important, you'll go about making it happen." While that might sound offensive, the tone of his voice actually seemed impressed. I made all of the arrangements and it cost our office nothing, but the space it creates is great. And, as far as equity goes, all of the GAs have desks and personal computers besides this office. Now, this office does.

Of course I know my limits. I know if I'm asking for something and my supervisor says no, that I have to let it go. The issue with this case was the budget, not that I wasn't allowed to make it happen.

As my summer ends, (summer ends the last week of July in higher ed, right?), I'm really looking forward to the many opportunities this position offers. I feel as though I do have a chance to do some great things here. I'm already planning a Professional Development Series for graduate students. The first one is about networking, (social included).

Let the year (the year starts in August in higher ed, right?) begin!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Phrases We Don't Use Enough

So, as my first year of graduate school and a graduate assistantship comes to an end, I reflect on the things I didn't say. And the things I didn't hear enough within my communities. It is so important to understand why we don't say these things; what is reflected by the unspoken thoughts and/or words. What pieces of our shadows are too proud/scared/unsure/powerful/shy/etc. to partner spoken words with conscious and unconscious thoughts. Being aware is the first step to making a change.

"No" This is a tricky one, especially as graduate students. We want to go out and be with our friends, while balancing a full class load, while doing work as graduate assistants. We want to sit on as many committees as possible to ensure we're getting enough experiences. We want to see our friends and relax. We want to do the best we can in our classes. At some point, the cup will overflow and then bad things start to happen. But, I know, saying 'no' sounds bad. Like we can't handle it and how will we ever handle this stuff full time? And if our supervisors think we can handle it, knowing what's on our plates, shouldn't we be able to take it on? Not always. Perhaps supervisors can take on a deeper knowledge of what's going on in our lives and know when to say 'no' for us? Some supervisors can do that, others tend to not notice. That's why it is important to be aware of your own stress level. It's okay to say 'no.'

"Please" Sure, you're my supervisor and I kind of have to do what you ask of me, but adding the word 'please' encourages me to do it with a smile. It also allows us to know you appreciate our help. Even if it's copying papers or filing documents. As graduate students, perhaps we don't say that enough to each other or our supervisors, either. 'Can you read this over for me?' ....please. It subtly changes the tone of the sentence. You don't have to do this for me, but I'd appreciate it. And I appreciate the time you're taking out of your day to help me. Expecting us to do things is an unfair use of power. Asking us kindly to do them is a gift you can offer us. Which leads me to...

"Thank you" My mother always told me to mind my p's and....thank you's. Another simple one that gets overlooked all too often. It sets up the environment in which we all work. Even if I'm only grabbing you a coffee, say 'thank you.' It's nice to be recognized for doing something, even if we're expected to do it. It's a bookend (with 'please' being the other end) to an experience. And important in keeping things together and keeping people motivated. GAs also need to keep in mind how important it is to thank their supervisors. They do a lot for us. Answer a lot of questions. The same goes for peers. We are all in this together.


"I need help" This comes from all levels and areas. Sometimes something is overwhelming. Or you get sick and can't get to something. Or there's a student who is particularly difficult. Or you've taken on too much. Or a last minute assignment came up. There are a lot of 'or' situations here.  No matter what your 'or' is, it's a good thing to ask for help. It will reduce your stress. Other people have really good advice and are generally more than willing to share it with you. You just have to ask. Creating a space where there's an attitude of "I've got your back" is really what can make or break an experience/office/community. 

"Great job" I've come to find the lack of this exists in the 'real world' and it annoys me. That might be from having a personality that craves reassurance; but, I think many people can benefit from it. This goes with expectations. We're grad students thus, we should hand it great papers/projects and plan great events. Or mentor with ease. Sometimes, though, it's just nice to hear that other people are noticing your greatness. Some offices have awards given to graduate assistants who excel at a particular program. I've seen supervisors recognize their grads via social networking sites. All of those things are great! It just needs to become more consistent. I know it makes all of us smile! And we, as grad assistants, need to return the favor to those around us (supervisors/faculty/staff included) who are doing exceptional things!

"I would like more responsibility" Though this is a little more personal, I have had some recent conversations that make me think I'm not alone. While it's great to have us making brochures and copying paperwork, there are times when we want more! Yeah, I'll sit on a committee, but I don't want to be a fly on the wall. I want to get involved in planning! And I don't mean the one who is making room reservations, but the one who is building the agenda or creating a presentation. We're not getting too much practical experience as the ones who take notes and then emails the rest of the committee. I did that as the secretary of my undergraduate club. While it's great to be present, sometimes it's necessary to expand presence to participation. As grad assistants, we often look to our supervisors for that nod of approval that it's okay for us to do more. If our confidence isn't built up, then we don't always make the first move. Both GAs and supervisors have to work on being more conscious of when more responsibility is needed and when the plate is full.

"Here's my idea" Crazy, but as GAs, we sometimes have really good ideas. And we know it. And we talk to each other about these great ideas, but we never communicate these ideas to those who can make them happen. Going back to the previous paragraph, we sometimes sit on committees and think we can totally do something better; yet, we know we're just grad assistants so no one will appreciate our thoughts. Where did this thinking come from? We are just grad assistants and our ideas are relevant. We're often living our ideas in the moment. A confidence boost or encouragement might call those ideas forward. A little belief in our capabilities and we could bring about change.




These are just some of the phrases that represent larger issues that come from within. Within our systems (of oppression?) and within ourselves. With these thoughts come the need for change from all sides. From GAs and their experiences, from supervisors and their expectations, and from the Student Affairs world and its structure. The shadows that we all hold mold how we lead, when we speak up, if and how we ask for help. Examining how we work in the world is an important step to changing it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What's Love Got To Do With It??

I have recently realized that when I look in the mirror, I no longer recognize myself. When I talk, I sometimes am not sure whose voice is coming out of my mouth. When I sit quietly, I'm unsure if the quiet in my mind belongs to me. Yet, I know this is who I am. Or am becoming.
I am sure I can't describe to you what my semester has been like. It's been busy, yes, but I feel like most of the work I've done is not busy work. It's all been meaningful. That's not something I'm used to. Work that has an actual purpose besides to be graded. Speaking of grades, I only have only received one this entire semester. That would normally stress me out considering how many papers I've handed in; but, I'm learning to just let it be.

One of the many pictures that describes my shadow
So, where was I six months ago? Where am I now? I don't have an answer to either of those questions, I just know that if I tried to create answers, they'd be quite different. The one thing I distinctly notice is the quietness of my mind. I used to have thoughts constantly. I used to not be able to relax because of all of the noise. Recently, I realized that it's quiet in there. I can meditate pretty easily, which clears my mind even further. And, I sleep more regularly and better than I have in years.

What's changed? I spent a semester in the care of Dr. Zachary Green and Dr. Athena Perrakis. The created a space for me to change. Or to see that it was time to change. I think. Of Love and Leadership, an emergent course with no description, provided me with cherished time to reflect on my light and shadow. It was almost like therapy, but instead of just talking about my problems, (which has been all of my therapy experiences up until this point), I had to face my problems. Recognize them. Call them out for being overwhelming. And then realize they were never as big as they seemed. For the first time, I was not only acknowledging my shadow, but working with it.

Every single person in that class became integral to my success. They became the people who helped me take down my walls. And then let me take them down myself. I don't really know how it happened. I can't quite explain how an entire class went from apprehensive to loving in just a semester's time. I guess when you experience change as individuals of a group, you change as a group. Maybe. We learned to love. We learned to trust the process even when the process involved play-doh, markers, legos, dancing, music making, sand, candles, ceremonies, gemstones, and love offerings. I finished this class a much different person than I was when I started.

Of Love and Leadership family
If this is confusing to you, which I'm sure it is, I'm not sorry. Nor will I go back and try to make it make sense. There is no way to make sense of it all. Maybe with some distance. I learned how to love. And how to lead. And how important they both are to success. And to happiness. I learned that society in general is far too apprehensive of the word love. For some reason when people hear it, they automatically assume that it must be romantic; yet, for those who are successful, they use all kinds of love everyday. I feel all those levels of love in my life all of the time now. I am more sensitive to it. I am more generous with it. I am grateful for it.

Most importantly, when it comes to the work I hope to do with my life in both academic and student affairs, I learned that people are not as loving as they could be. For some reason, I feel as though this community believes love is something you must earn, not just give out freely. Perhaps that exists in all facets of society; but, the work I tried to do on my final project for this class proved to me that student affairs is not a loving environment unless you're 'in.' Unless you're cool and sit with the cool kids. With that said, I have met some fantastically loving people who give love no matter what in these divisions. They give me the faith and hope that I am heading in the 'right' direction. I strive to always be one of those people.

As was said on our last night of class, people like us are not meant to be together. We are meant to go out into the world and share our love; we grow this love in others, then we all move on again. It's sad to think I won't always be with people who get this concept because it is easy to be with them; yet, I understand why we must all disperse and hold each other in our fields. I love you all. Deeply. Truly.
Here's what happens after a semester together:



Perhaps, then, I do recognize myself. My voice. My quiet mind. I feel fuller. Happier. Closer to the self I have wanted to be for many years. Again, I love you all. With all of my heart.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Of Love and Leadership, the final project

So, I've been posting a lot on Twitter asking the #sachat community to help me with a project about love and leadership. I've been leaving it vague and broad and hoping that each person would make it their own, but the lack of response has alerted me that vague and broad is not what people are looking for!
Let me start by saying that my project is vague and broad, as has been everything for this class. It is a brand new class that focuses learning on what emerges. It's brilliant. And uncomfortable. I have a final project due that is 50% of my grade. The directions are simple: love and leadership. Yeah, that's not what I'm used to. But I had a dream about my final project and I feel that I'm heading in the right direction.
We've studied the AQAL model created by Ken Wilber and have been working on connecting it all to love and leadership. I made a love commitment to connections in higher education. A commitment to connecting to community members in student affairs, my peers in my program, and students on campus. My project takes quadrant one from the AQAL model, (my views on love and leadership), and then quadrant three on the model, (the views of the greater community of love and leadership), and tries to visually display it all. (I don't want to give away what I'm doing officially because I want you all to bring your creativity to it!)

Here's what I need from you. Please feel free to answer any and all of the questions I pose. Don't feel like you have to use just words. Pictures and drawings are encouraged. Quotes, poetry, theories, whatever! My project is what you all help make it!

-What is your personal definition of love? Leadership?
-How do you use love and leadership in your profession? With students and other professionals?
-What do you do to create connections? Do you think love and leadership play roles?
-Can love and leadership exist together or are they meant to be separate?
-What do you love? How do you make it manifest?
-How do you lead? Does it change depending on the role you're in?

Anything else that you want to add, feel free. Leave comments on here! Or, if you want to, find me on Twitter and DM for me for my email address. Thank you in advance for all of your help. I promise to post a picture of my final project when it gets there.