What's Love Got To Do With It??

I have recently realized that when I look in the mirror, I no longer recognize myself. When I talk, I sometimes am not sure whose voice is coming out of my mouth. When I sit quietly, I'm unsure if the quiet in my mind belongs to me. Yet, I know this is who I am. Or am becoming.
I am sure I can't describe to you what my semester has been like. It's been busy, yes, but I feel like most of the work I've done is not busy work. It's all been meaningful. That's not something I'm used to. Work that has an actual purpose besides to be graded. Speaking of grades, I only have only received one this entire semester. That would normally stress me out considering how many papers I've handed in; but, I'm learning to just let it be.

One of the many pictures that describes my shadow

So, where was I six months ago? Where am I now? I don't have an answer to either of those questions, I just know that if I tried to create answers, they'd be quite different. The one thing I distinctly notice is the quietness of my mind. I used to have thoughts constantly. I used to not be able to relax because of all of the noise. Recently, I realized that it's quiet in there. I can meditate pretty easily, which clears my mind even further. And, I sleep more regularly and better than I have in years.

What's changed? I spent a semester in the care of Dr. Zachary Green and Dr. Athena Perrakis. The created a space for me to change. Or to see that it was time to change. I think. Of Love and Leadership, an emergent course with no description, provided me with cherished time to reflect on my light and shadow. It was almost like therapy, but instead of just talking about my problems, (which has been all of my therapy experiences up until this point), I had to face my problems. Recognize them. Call them out for being overwhelming. And then realize they were never as big as they seemed. For the first time, I was not only acknowledging my shadow, but working with it.

Every single person in that class became integral to my success. They became the people who helped me take down my walls. And then let me take them down myself. I don't really know how it happened. I can't quite explain how an entire class went from apprehensive to loving in just a semester's time. I guess when you experience change as individuals of a group, you change as a group. Maybe. We learned to love. We learned to trust the process even when the process involved play-doh, markers, legos, dancing, music making, sand, candles, ceremonies, gemstones, and love offerings. I finished this class a much different person than I was when I started.

Of Love and Leadership family

If this is confusing to you, which I'm sure it is, I'm not sorry. Nor will I go back and try to make it make sense. There is no way to make sense of it all. Maybe with some distance. I learned how to love. And how to lead. And how important they both are to success. And to happiness. I learned that society in general is far too apprehensive of the word love. For some reason when people hear it, they automatically assume that it must be romantic; yet, for those who are successful, they use all kinds of love everyday. I feel all those levels of love in my life all of the time now. I am more sensitive to it. I am more generous with it. I am grateful for it.

Most importantly, when it comes to the work I hope to do with my life in both academic and student affairs, I learned that people are not as loving as they could be. For some reason, I feel as though this community believes love is something you must earn, not just give out freely. Perhaps that exists in all facets of society; but, the work I tried to do on my final project for this class proved to me that student affairs is not a loving environment unless you're 'in.' Unless you're cool and sit with the cool kids. With that said, I have met some fantastically loving people who give love no matter what in these divisions. They give me the faith and hope that I am heading in the 'right' direction. I strive to always be one of those people.

As was said on our last night of class, people like us are not meant to be together. We are meant to go out into the world and share our love; we grow this love in others, then we all move on again. It's sad to think I won't always be with people who get this concept because it is easy to be with them; yet, I understand why we must all disperse and hold each other in our fields. I love you all. Deeply. Truly.
Here's what happens after a semester together:



Perhaps, then, I do recognize myself. My voice. My quiet mind. I feel fuller. Happier. Closer to the self I have wanted to be for many years. Again, I love you all. With all of my heart.

That's One 'i' Personality!

I have been asked the question, "What matters to you and why?" a lot lately in some form or another. And from that I have had to create promises and commitments involving this love for things that matter to me. Thus, I have spent a great deal of time holding that question in my space. I have come up with the answer that connections matter to me and from that I created two unique projects. One from which I'll need the help of the #sachat community and one which is a smaller research project within my own community. From these bigger ideas I have created a few smaller ones, (happens the other way around usually, I know).

As part of the requirement of my Student Affairs cohort this semester we were each asked to take an hour of the seminar and present about what matters to us. (Connection, if you forgot). Through a series of great connections, I was able to get my hands of 5 copies of the DiSC Personality Test. Awesome! I took this test when I was a sophomore in college and on the Leadershape retreat and was curious to see if anything had changed over the 5 years since I last took it.

Diligently we all used paper clips to mark the preferences that would determine our leadership personalities. If you are not familiar, here's a quick summary:

Dominance- emphasis on shaping the environment by overcoming opposition to accomplish results.

influence-emphasis is on shaping the environment by influencing or persuading others.

Steadiness-emphasis on cooperating with other within existing circumstances to carry out the task.

Conscientiousness-emphasis is on working conscientiously within existing circumstance to ensure quality and accuracy.

Here's a longer description.

5 years ago I was a D with a close C. Let me just tell you, 5 years can change a person immensely. I am now a high i and D is my lowest.

So what does that mean for me? For starters, I am good at persuading people.  AND, surprise, it means I like connecting to others and am good at it!! That makes sense. Other things include that I am articulate, motivating, enthusiastic, optimistic, and I like participating in groups. My ideal work environment involves social recognition, freedom of expression, counseling, and opportunities to verbalize ideas. That could explain why I am struggling to grow in my current work environment!

Some of the areas in which I need balance include time management, working with 'things' instead of people, follow-through, decision making, realistic expectations of others, prioritizing, and being more firm.

What else did I learn about myself? Well, I am self-promoting, in case you couldn't tell yet, (I have the Promoter Pattern). Besides that, I also discovered (already knew) that my goal is to get approval and to be popular amongst those I know. Another shocking discovery is that I judge others by their verbal skills. Again, this is not surprising to me as Facebook statuses that have 'your' and you're' wrong in them drive me crazy. I overuse praise and optimism, but also am influenced by them. I like to interact with others even if I am not that interested in the task, and generally don't go into group tasks with the goal of accomplishing them. I tend to overestimate people (check mark in that box!).  I thrive on meetings, committees, and conferences. (check!).

Yet, knowing all this about myself and how much I love group work, it's interesting to note that I hate groups. For example, if a friend invites me out with a group of her friends, I end up not being able to go because the side of me that wants to impress people gets too scared of what they'll think of me. So, I end up staying home and avoiding scenes like that.

Student Affairs applications? In our cohort of 4, each one of us had a different letter as our highest. Yay! That means we can all help each other where we struggle. And...in a way we all sort of complete each other. Cheesy, I know. But knowing that about each other really gives us the opportunity to learn from each other. It also makes us all aware of how we are when we work with others. This allows us to change our approach if we need to, depending on the student or staff member with whom we're working.

This applies to how I learn best and with whom I am most comfortable. Ideally, I need certain people-oriented traits in my work environment. The same goes for the classroom. That might be why I had a panic attack when there were no due dates on two of my syllabi this year. No due dates mean my time management is out of the window!

Do yourself a favor and take a few personality tests to learn more about who you are. And, in a few years, take them again! People change. We have experiences and grow from them, thus changing how we approach things. In order to be good for our students, we must know how we lead.

What have you done today that requires a degree in SA?

This question has been on my mind since it was posed at the NASPA Drive-In held at Chapman University last Friday, the 11th.  I've been trying to make sure that each day I do something that is unique to the degree I'm pursuing in Student Affairs.  I want it to be worth it.  I'm spending my money and my time on tuition, at classes, doing homework and working with students, and it would be an unfortunate waste of my talent if I didn't do something each day that made my degree worth all of the work I am putting into it.
I began this semester with the goal of trying to be a better advisor.  Being new to the advising scene with little guidance from those who preceded me, I had no idea what to expect.  My current GA position is new to the Student Affairs cohort, so I spent last semester trying to get a feel for what the expectations were, which left my advising role on the back burner.  I'm now more comfortable with the expectations of my GA position and am enjoying the challenges that come with it, but I feel that my connection with students is limited.  So, I sent out a Doodle survey to my students to find out when they would be free for advising appointments.
I'm now only a week into my advising appointments, but I can feel a change.  A change in myself and a change in the way they communicate with me.  Through a colleague's action research project, I have a rubric to work with which helps me rank my student's levels of development and then track it as the semester continues.  Obviously, this benefits @nkajimoto's research, but it also helps me understand where my student's are at developmentally so I can be the best advisor possible, (with room for plenty of growth).
Besides these wonderful advising appointments where I am connecting with and learning about the students, I'm also trying to make the weekly group meetings more meaningful.  This week I focused on personal branding.  I feel like the discussion, (or what felt like a lecture from me), was lost on them.  They do not yet see the importance in making connections and networking.  I understand how difficult it must be, especially as freshmen and sophomores, to see the importance of the impressions and connections they make now and how they will affect the future, but I do hope the information with which I provided them will start to take root and grow over the next few years.  I know that, personally, I would have benefited a great deal from having some guidance in how to make positive and meaningful connections as an undergraduate student to members of the faculty and staff on my campus.
I was fortunate enough, however, to make a strong connection with my mentor, Mr. Art King, from my undergraduate alma mater, Towson University.  He wrote the recommendation letter that led to my acceptance at the University of San Diego, as well as spoke to my current supervisor about how I shine as an employee and student.  I also interviewed him for a project last semester and might do the same again this semester.  As I explained this to my students, I could see two of them shaking their heads and smirking.  Others were just staring off into the distance, disinterested.  Maybe I should have presented the material in a different format.  Maybe I felt like they were further along developmentally then they really were.  Yet, I remember wanting to plan for my future early on in my undergraduate career even though I was not really sure what my future would look like.  I knew graduate school was in the picture, and if not that, at least a job where I would need positive references and a strong foundation in something.  I took advantage of leadership opportunities, especially ones at which I knew 'important' people would attend.  I worked/volunteered for a few clubs and departments on campus, but became fully involved.  I do not feel a commitment like that from my students and am concerned about them, but also about my ability to lead.
Though this blog has strayed slightly from it's title, I do believe it is all connected.  As part of my attaining a degree in Higher Education Leadership, I attend classes that help me learn who I am and, by doing that, how I can help students.  I am fortunate enough to be a part of a great cohort of 5 who consistently support me and listen to me.  The faculty members with whom I work are amazing, talented and challenging.  They force me out of my comfort zone to find out things like how do love and leadership connect?  Or how does knowing myself help me to better understand my students and my line of work?  I work with students in an attempt to develop them and through that I, too, develop.  And that is how, everyday, I do things that require a degree in Student Affairs.

LEAD 550 and the Rest of My Life

I've been contemplating this blog post for several weeks now.  I'm still not quite sure I'll be able to properly capture my feelings and ideas in it, but I'm willing to give it a try.
If you had asked me upon exiting my first LEAD 550 class whether or not I thought I would learn much, I would have laughed in your face and said something like, "Probably not, but it's an introductory course so there can't be much to really learn."  Looking back, I'm not sure I could have been further from incorrect, but, in my defense, the class was unlike anything I could have ever anticipated.  The class took place in a lecture hall with about 90 students.  There were microphones so each session could be recorded and put online for reference.  The professor, Dr. Monroe, warned us that it would be an experience unlike any we've had prior, but that's hard to understand that since you've never experienced it.  And, honestly, it's hard to explain now to those who have never been a participant in the class.  The goal of the class, in its own ways, is to learn different aspects of leadership and authority and how people demonstrate those aspects.  Of course, that's just the beginning.  You really take an internal trip, too, which for me is more scary than learning about how to lead, but intertwines with it.
The format of the class, if you want to call it that, consists of Dr. Monroe getting in front of the class and asking us how we would like start.  Then, one student picks a topic that's on his/her mind and we run with it.  The goal is to learn the different aspects of leadership and authority.  I think of it sort of like a ship's crew.  You have certain leaders who are at the helm, controlling the direction and flow of conversation, then those who watch for bad weather and try to see it as early as possible, calling it out.  There are the few who 'walk the plank,' saying something so outlandish that no one is ready for and are 'assassinated' and never/rarely heard from again.  There are deck hands who go around cleaning up the mess, smoothing things over and  keeping some form of peace.  And then there's the rest of the crew, silent, but vital to the journey's success.  If that makes any sense to you, you're doing better than I was at four weeks in.  Gold star for you!
So, as I said earlier, the first class was mind-boggling to me, but I attempted to stay open-minded.  As the weeks dragged on, it felt like the conversation always reverted back to, 'what's the point?' and 'what's our goal?'  By the fifth week of class, I went from trying to thinking it was all one big joke.  During class I would slouch in my chair, joke with the people sitting around me and make thoughtless comments when speaking.  During small group sessions, (the second part of class), I had a 'checked-out' mindset, believing there was nothing beneficial coming from any section of class.  The large group conversations failed to hold my attention in that state and I just started hoping the end of the semester would arrive quickly.
I remember the class that changed my perspective.  I was sitting all the way at the top, goofing off with the students around me.  I was still in that state of mind and had no real purpose in that class other than attendance, in my opinion.  For her reasons, Dr. Monroe was more engaged in class dialog that day, having conversations with students, which was not her norm up until that point.  The topic for the evening was 'meaningful interventions' and suddenly I was engaged.  I had discovered, (but had always known), that I had trouble communicating messages.  It suddenly occurred to me that I could not clearly or effectively deliver my thoughts or feelings without dancing around the issue and then my point was lost on the receiving end.  I began to listen to the conversations Dr. Monroe was having with students about feeling activated and the different ways to make interventions useful and intentional.  Up until then, and pointed out kindly by my T.A., I was stuck in a style.  I decided to bring it up because I was feeling activated and I was also a little angry about that comment my T.A. left me.  He did not explain it any further, nor did I believe him, so I thought I would see what Dr. Monroe had to say on the issue.
I began my intervention by saying that I had received this comment on my homework assignment from the previous week.  Dr. Monroe acknowledged that she recognized this regarding me and my previous interventions.  After going back and forth a bit--Dr. Monroe, other students, myself and then Dr. Monroe again--we came to a point where I made a useless intervention.  Of course, it was not useless and Dr. Monroe used me as an example.  She said something like, "Instead of questioning and digging for an answer or an 'ah-ha', giving the specific example in my mind would be stronger."  I tried that out and suddenly I felt like I had a shiny new weapon in an arsenal of primitive equipment.  I realized that, although sometimes useful, my way of advising students and speaking to bosses or advisors seemed...ineffective.  This was going to change the way I was able to get things done.
After that class, I had a new plan and new intentions.  I was going to practice using my new weapon.  It took a lot of courage to open up and use personal examples to make these interventions, but I knew the benefits would be immense.  Once I learned how to intervene more effectively, another door opened: staying present and connecting with those things that pulled me away from the moment.  In the classroom, it became easier to stay in touch with what was happening around me and inside of me.  I was becoming more aware of the feeling of activation and quickly organizing my thoughts into useful interventions.  By the end of the semester, I felt comfortable with my practice arena and the progress I had made.  Even my T.A. commented on the differences he saw.  I felt accomplished, but ready to be done with 550.
(PS-there are huge chunks of information that I learned that I've left out to make this semi-readable.  There are other valuable and important lessons that came from this class, but it just does not all fit into a blog!)

Well, being done with 550 is a joke.  There is no done, as I quickly discovered.  In each and every conversation I have had since that class I have become so much more aware of how I present my interventions.  I found myself in situations where I was measuring and discovering people's tolerance and comfort levels for the anxiety I created.  I have been thinking through things I am going to say to make sure I am sending the right message and lesson.  I am more patient with the idea that people will NOT change their long held beliefs overnight just because I think I am saying something Earth-shattering.  I calculate the pros and cons of things so much quicker in my head--heck, I even think to calculate pros and cons before speaking.  I just cannot describe how different I feel and how successful I believe some of my more 'life-altering' conversations go.
LEAD 550 has changed my life.  I know that sounds cheesy and I know that some of my peers who took that class will read this and think, "she really did drink the kool-aid."  Well friends, I did.  And it was delicious and I intend to take it with me as I continue on my journey through life.  I see its importance and I appreciate how different I am; how much I have grown in four months.  I am told by others who have been working on it much longer than I that there is more to learn and deeper depths to explore.  I look forward to it.

To Author One's Life

I had the pleasure of attending Marcia Baxter Magolda's presentation on Thursday morning.  She really seems to know what she's talking about when it comes to student development and how it relates to student affairs and our journey as higher education professionals.
I know I won't do her justice as I attempt to put the pieces together, so I do apologize for that.  I found it interesting, and true, that what we expect from students is generally over their heads.  It seems as though we're asking them to process information at a level to which they have yet to develop.  This means to me that in classes we're asking students to think at an internal level when we have yet to teach them how to function (and break out of) within the system we create in higher education.  In other words, we've structured this faulty system in which students are required to function in order to get good grades, we don't ever once challenge their concepts of this system, but then we expect deep, meaningful work and thought processes from students.  Why should they do that for us if all they need to do is XYZ to obtain an A in class?  Crazy, right?
I find this applies to office in which I work.  Students, for the most part, come into the Center for Health and Wellness Promotion because the system tells them they have to.  Whether they're at high risk for alcohol and drug use, or just caught at a dorm party, there are certain steps they have to take in order to get back in good standings with USD.  So, in they come (those caught at a party), they sit through a class, and generally that's it.  But then we feel like we're not reaching the majority of students and, of course we're not!!  They just want to work the system!  They're not going to get an epiphany sitting in the required alcohol class!!  They're not there yet developmentally because we, as higher education professionals, have not provided them with learning partnership that will get them there.
So, I look back on my days as an undergrad and think, what opportunities were provided to me that enabled me to leave one stage of development and enter another (along Marcia's stages)?  Or, have I ever really left a stage?  I know that I still sometimes look at a class and wonder, "What do I have to do obtain an A?"  Reverting back to that thinking is easy, especially since I've been out of school for three years.  My undergrad professors never pushed me to the point of letting go of the system, but, as an English major, I found myself pushing the envelope intentionally in classes just because technically, if you have evidence to back it up, you can't be wrong.  So, if I have left that stage and moved to the intermediate stage at some point, what did that look like?  Ah yes, the part where nothing mattered because facts are manipulated and life is all up in the air.  I experienced this towards the end of my undergraduate career.  Not only were my thoughts lost, so were my actions.  I was...like a balloon floating towards the clouds.  If the wind blew me one way, that's the way I'd go.  I did manage to finish school with strong grades, but internally I was a disaster.  I showed this by gaining weight and doing things uncharacteristic of what I now consider to be myself.
I still feel like I'm in a struggle with the end of the intermediate stage and the advanced stage.  The advanced stage is all internal.  It's about creating one's own mind, thoughts and feelings regardless of the outside world and its' influences.  It's also about accepting other's opinions even if you disagree, but still keeping them in your life.  I feel that some of that I've dealt with better than others.  I'm not much for my internal, mushy mess, which is evident in the way I address my feelings.  I find myself explaining situations in which I'm hurt, sad, angry, happy, etc, but never going into what about those situation makes me feel a certain way.  It's a way for me to avoid how I really feel.  I'm working on finding those feelings and addressing them in LEAD 550.  I am pretty good at noticing others, but I fail to place myself within the emotional mix.  It's not something I'm completely comfortable with and is, perhaps, an adaptive challenge I've spent a decent time avoiding.
With all this said, I look at the few students who I advise and try to place them somewhere in the mix of the student development continuum.  They are certainly in a variety of places in their lives personally, which creates an interesting developmental pattern.  I hope to continue to learn about how I can help and influence them in the right ways to get them to become aware of who they and aid them towards finding their internal voice, or as Marcia calls it, authoring their own life, (and, who knows, maybe I'll be able to find mine, too!).

GYT and Julian apple pies

I had the opportunity of being a part of the Greater Than Yourself (or Greater Yourself Than, depending on your nametag) retreat this past weekend. There were representatives from IFC, Pan-Hellenic, LiNK, Emerging Leaders and some other UF groups. I was asked very last minute to attend, but looked forward to it because I still felt that I hadn’t made many connections with students. Plus, I was going as the only grad assistant/facilitator, so I thought it would be a good chance for me to get closer with some of the directors from different departments. In doing all of this, I feel like I really grew and developed, plus helped so many students open their eyes to who they are as people and as leaders.
The retreat was broken down into three pieces (following the model of GTY): Expand Yourself (learning your roots and identities), Give Yourself (what are you good at, what can you give to the community?) and Replicate Yourself (GTY project!). The next three paragraphs break down what activities we did to represent the different pieces.

Expand Yourself:
They began by learning just how hard it is to be successful if they were competing against each other instead of communicating. The next day we dove deep into identities, pushing people out of their comfort zones. A few students were crying by the end of our morning activities, but it was easy to see that for the first time these students were dealing with where they came from and the privileges they’ve taken on (or been given). Watching as students learned how being white is a privilege, and/or being male, and then that connection they make with what they can do to make a difference is rewarding. Even just the connection they made with being a USD student is gratifying.

Give Yourself:
They continued to open their minds as they learned different leadership styles and what worked for them versus what was completely opposite. I highly participated in this event and learned quite a bit about my own skills and how they’re limited, helpful, distracting, etc and how I could use that knowledge when working in groups, which I found helpful. I know in this activity I was less observant with how the students reacted and more focused on how I could apply what I learned to my personal things. They also did a lot of reflection on the skills they each had and how that could really help when working in their communities.
This night included the fantastic 'Adan Show' during which the students played Extreme Minute to Win It.  They were so much fun to watch.  Adan came up with some fantastic ideas for them!  The weekend, however, would not have been complete without some amazing Julian apple pies, so 6 pies later, we had some happy, full students.

Replicate Yourself:
On our last day there, we all committed to finding a GTY project. Each student was asked to identify one student they felt they could really help grow into a successful leader. I’m still looking for mine, but I’m excited at the prospect of building a student into a better, more effective leader. The purpose behind this being that it is so important to lift people up ahead of us, not hold them back because we’re afraid of them being better than us. 

The weekend was truly a success in all aspects: not only did I meet 26 new students and got closer with the staff, but those students walked away from that retreat with a new view on leadership. The first night was a bit trying as they tried to figure out what they were doing in Julian , CA, but most of them remained open minded to the experience even if they didn’t quite understand it. I do think a few of them walked out of there with a more open mind. My proof being some of their Facebook comments.