Saturday, September 10, 2011
A Rose In Bloom: "I'm Not Ready"
A Rose In Bloom: "I'm Not Ready" A blog post on emergent #leadership, being an #sagrad, and this ever-changing world.
"I'm Not Ready"
I've been sitting with the idea that "I'm not ready" for the semester, for my role as a GA, to be a good friend, to be a good sister/daughter. I'm just not ready. I can feel that I'm not the only one, too. My peers were saying this exact thing as we began classes. "Jamie," they'd say, "I'm just not in class mode, yet." Or, "I just don't feel it anymore." And I'd agree.
My first opportunity to process this 'not ready' idea came in my Teaching Assistant course. We sat down an hour before the actual large class started to process things as TAs. The evening began in an unfamiliar way. The chairs we expected to have on loan to fill in for the larger class size were not there. The TAs had to scramble through the empty classrooms and 'borrow' chairs for our class. Then, the TA classroom we planned on using was being occupied by another class. So, we squeezed ourselves into the smaller conference room available to us, (from a nice professor who said we could use it even though he had booked it). There we were, free to talk about what we were holding for ourselves or for the group. I opened with, "I'm not ready."
This concept didn't get around the table too far before it was taken to a different place. Someone brought up the idea of 'readiness' looking differently now than it had in the past. The way we, as individuals, get ready for things isn't serving us anymore and we're starting to feel it. And, of course, it wouldn't be a leadership class if we didn't look at the bigger picture. It makes sense to say that what is happening within our small group is a microcosm for what is happening in this country. For example, the Northeast had never had to be ready at the level required to get through a hurricane; those in such a populated area of Texas were not ready for wildfires; and, though it happened later, those in Southern California, Mexico and Arizona were not prepared for a major blackout.
For me, this began a much larger thought process on readiness. Here I am, (and so we are), holding so desperately onto what has worked for me in the past, full well knowing it's not serving me anymore. This country, politically, socially, economically, is holding onto what used to work when it obviously isn't working anymore. Globally, we are experiencing uprisings because what has worked for those countries isn't serving them. And people are blindly saying that they're not ready for what is happening.
I am also taking a class called Organizational Theory and Leadership this semester. Though we've barely scratched the surface on what this truly feels like to practice, some things have already come up. We are focusing currently on Team Learning, an idea developed by Peter Senge. It's complicated, but at the same time so basic: in order for organizations to change, they must do it together! As a team. A team of people who suspend their assumptions, open up to dialogues and discussions, and begin to rethink things. Of course, suspension requires a lot of...trust and willingness, which is something many teams don't have. All of that being said, I truly believe this is the direction we, as a society, need to head in. The way we've been functioning isn't working...let's give something else a try.
My final piece on all of this is from a conversation I had with a friend the other day. We were chatting about how tired we both all. Even when we get sleep, we're still tired and not ready for the semester. We started talking about this exhaustion--about its texture. We came to this point when we realized just how different we are this year than we were last year. We've had an entire year in a leadership program that has taught us to see the world differently. We hold things that we normally wouldn't have noticed. We process things in ways we couldn't have imagined last year. We are different. And it can be exhausting. None of it is bad, and I don't believe either of us would change the path we're on; but, being aware of it has personally helped me cope with the exhaustion. It has also helped me let go of some things, knowing that I can't and shouldn't be holding it all.
Taking all of this 'big' stuff into my everyday life has changed it. I ended my engagement because I truly feel that the person I spend my life with has to be on this same field as me. Not everyone wants or needs that, but personally, it's something I feel I need. I even talk differently. I say things like, "I'll hold this for you" not referring to physical items; "I'm in this space today;" "My experience is...;" and so much more. I listen in a way I can't describe. I talk in a way that feels true. I have lost some friends in this process. People who have stayed in a place that I can't reach. But, I've made so many friends, too. And some of them aren't my friends, necessarily, they are 'thought partners.'
My purpose at work is changing, too. I still love and appreciate student affairs; but, I am looking for ways to bring these discussions to my office. I am searching for jobs that will incorporate and give me a space to process and discuss these things. I now know, for sure, that I want to teach, too. I want to use the practices I've seen my professors model to teach leadership in numerous capacities. I'd even go as far as to say that I would be interested in pursuing executive coaching. Some day...when I get more experience. I just know that I want to surround myself with people with whom I can have these discussions. I have not found, at least not yet, these discussions happening on the Student Affairs side of my university. It is, clearly, something we talk about in the Leadership Studies department, and is now a huge piece of my life.
I'm ready...
My first opportunity to process this 'not ready' idea came in my Teaching Assistant course. We sat down an hour before the actual large class started to process things as TAs. The evening began in an unfamiliar way. The chairs we expected to have on loan to fill in for the larger class size were not there. The TAs had to scramble through the empty classrooms and 'borrow' chairs for our class. Then, the TA classroom we planned on using was being occupied by another class. So, we squeezed ourselves into the smaller conference room available to us, (from a nice professor who said we could use it even though he had booked it). There we were, free to talk about what we were holding for ourselves or for the group. I opened with, "I'm not ready."
This concept didn't get around the table too far before it was taken to a different place. Someone brought up the idea of 'readiness' looking differently now than it had in the past. The way we, as individuals, get ready for things isn't serving us anymore and we're starting to feel it. And, of course, it wouldn't be a leadership class if we didn't look at the bigger picture. It makes sense to say that what is happening within our small group is a microcosm for what is happening in this country. For example, the Northeast had never had to be ready at the level required to get through a hurricane; those in such a populated area of Texas were not ready for wildfires; and, though it happened later, those in Southern California, Mexico and Arizona were not prepared for a major blackout.
For me, this began a much larger thought process on readiness. Here I am, (and so we are), holding so desperately onto what has worked for me in the past, full well knowing it's not serving me anymore. This country, politically, socially, economically, is holding onto what used to work when it obviously isn't working anymore. Globally, we are experiencing uprisings because what has worked for those countries isn't serving them. And people are blindly saying that they're not ready for what is happening.
I am also taking a class called Organizational Theory and Leadership this semester. Though we've barely scratched the surface on what this truly feels like to practice, some things have already come up. We are focusing currently on Team Learning, an idea developed by Peter Senge. It's complicated, but at the same time so basic: in order for organizations to change, they must do it together! As a team. A team of people who suspend their assumptions, open up to dialogues and discussions, and begin to rethink things. Of course, suspension requires a lot of...trust and willingness, which is something many teams don't have. All of that being said, I truly believe this is the direction we, as a society, need to head in. The way we've been functioning isn't working...let's give something else a try.
My final piece on all of this is from a conversation I had with a friend the other day. We were chatting about how tired we both all. Even when we get sleep, we're still tired and not ready for the semester. We started talking about this exhaustion--about its texture. We came to this point when we realized just how different we are this year than we were last year. We've had an entire year in a leadership program that has taught us to see the world differently. We hold things that we normally wouldn't have noticed. We process things in ways we couldn't have imagined last year. We are different. And it can be exhausting. None of it is bad, and I don't believe either of us would change the path we're on; but, being aware of it has personally helped me cope with the exhaustion. It has also helped me let go of some things, knowing that I can't and shouldn't be holding it all.
Taking all of this 'big' stuff into my everyday life has changed it. I ended my engagement because I truly feel that the person I spend my life with has to be on this same field as me. Not everyone wants or needs that, but personally, it's something I feel I need. I even talk differently. I say things like, "I'll hold this for you" not referring to physical items; "I'm in this space today;" "My experience is...;" and so much more. I listen in a way I can't describe. I talk in a way that feels true. I have lost some friends in this process. People who have stayed in a place that I can't reach. But, I've made so many friends, too. And some of them aren't my friends, necessarily, they are 'thought partners.'
My purpose at work is changing, too. I still love and appreciate student affairs; but, I am looking for ways to bring these discussions to my office. I am searching for jobs that will incorporate and give me a space to process and discuss these things. I now know, for sure, that I want to teach, too. I want to use the practices I've seen my professors model to teach leadership in numerous capacities. I'd even go as far as to say that I would be interested in pursuing executive coaching. Some day...when I get more experience. I just know that I want to surround myself with people with whom I can have these discussions. I have not found, at least not yet, these discussions happening on the Student Affairs side of my university. It is, clearly, something we talk about in the Leadership Studies department, and is now a huge piece of my life.
I'm ready...
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