Phrases We Don't Use Enough

So, as my first year of graduate school and a graduate assistantship comes to an end, I reflect on the things I didn't say. And the things I didn't hear enough within my communities. It is so important to understand why we don't say these things; what is reflected by the unspoken thoughts and/or words. What pieces of our shadows are too proud/scared/unsure/powerful/shy/etc. to partner spoken words with conscious and unconscious thoughts. Being aware is the first step to making a change.

"No" This is a tricky one, especially as graduate students. We want to go out and be with our friends, while balancing a full class load, while doing work as graduate assistants. We want to sit on as many committees as possible to ensure we're getting enough experiences. We want to see our friends and relax. We want to do the best we can in our classes. At some point, the cup will overflow and then bad things start to happen. But, I know, saying 'no' sounds bad. Like we can't handle it and how will we ever handle this stuff full time? And if our supervisors think we can handle it, knowing what's on our plates, shouldn't we be able to take it on? Not always. Perhaps supervisors can take on a deeper knowledge of what's going on in our lives and know when to say 'no' for us? Some supervisors can do that, others tend to not notice. That's why it is important to be aware of your own stress level. It's okay to say 'no.'

"Please" Sure, you're my supervisor and I kind of have to do what you ask of me, but adding the word 'please' encourages me to do it with a smile. It also allows us to know you appreciate our help. Even if it's copying papers or filing documents. As graduate students, perhaps we don't say that enough to each other or our supervisors, either. 'Can you read this over for me?' ....please. It subtly changes the tone of the sentence. You don't have to do this for me, but I'd appreciate it. And I appreciate the time you're taking out of your day to help me. Expecting us to do things is an unfair use of power. Asking us kindly to do them is a gift you can offer us. Which leads me to...

"Thank you" My mother always told me to mind my p's and....thank you's. Another simple one that gets overlooked all too often. It sets up the environment in which we all work. Even if I'm only grabbing you a coffee, say 'thank you.' It's nice to be recognized for doing something, even if we're expected to do it. It's a bookend (with 'please' being the other end) to an experience. And important in keeping things together and keeping people motivated. GAs also need to keep in mind how important it is to thank their supervisors. They do a lot for us. Answer a lot of questions. The same goes for peers. We are all in this together.

"I need help" This comes from all levels and areas. Sometimes something is overwhelming. Or you get sick and can't get to something. Or there's a student who is particularly difficult. Or you've taken on too much. Or a last minute assignment came up. There are a lot of 'or' situations here.  No matter what your 'or' is, it's a good thing to ask for help. It will reduce your stress. Other people have really good advice and are generally more than willing to share it with you. You just have to ask. Creating a space where there's an attitude of "I've got your back" is really what can make or break an experience/office/community. 

"Great job" I've come to find the lack of this exists in the 'real world' and it annoys me. That might be from having a personality that craves reassurance; but, I think many people can benefit from it. This goes with expectations. We're grad students thus, we should hand it great papers/projects and plan great events. Or mentor with ease. Sometimes, though, it's just nice to hear that other people are noticing your greatness. Some offices have awards given to graduate assistants who excel at a particular program. I've seen supervisors recognize their grads via social networking sites. All of those things are great! It just needs to become more consistent. I know it makes all of us smile! And we, as grad assistants, need to return the favor to those around us (supervisors/faculty/staff included) who are doing exceptional things!

"I would like more responsibility" Though this is a little more personal, I have had some recent conversations that make me think I'm not alone. While it's great to have us making brochures and copying paperwork, there are times when we want more! Yeah, I'll sit on a committee, but I don't want to be a fly on the wall. I want to get involved in planning! And I don't mean the one who is making room reservations, but the one who is building the agenda or creating a presentation. We're not getting too much practical experience as the ones who take notes and then emails the rest of the committee. I did that as the secretary of my undergraduate club. While it's great to be present, sometimes it's necessary to expand presence to participation. As grad assistants, we often look to our supervisors for that nod of approval that it's okay for us to do more. If our confidence isn't built up, then we don't always make the first move. Both GAs and supervisors have to work on being more conscious of when more responsibility is needed and when the plate is full.

"Here's my idea" Crazy, but as GAs, we sometimes have really good ideas. And we know it. And we talk to each other about these great ideas, but we never communicate these ideas to those who can make them happen. Going back to the previous paragraph, we sometimes sit on committees and think we can totally do something better; yet, we know we're just grad assistants so no one will appreciate our thoughts. Where did this thinking come from? We are just grad assistants and our ideas are relevant. We're often living our ideas in the moment. A confidence boost or encouragement might call those ideas forward. A little belief in our capabilities and we could bring about change.

These are just some of the phrases that represent larger issues that come from within. Within our systems (of oppression?) and within ourselves. With these thoughts come the need for change from all sides. From GAs and their experiences, from supervisors and their expectations, and from the Student Affairs world and its structure. The shadows that we all hold mold how we lead, when we speak up, if and how we ask for help. Examining how we work in the world is an important step to changing it.

That's One 'i' Personality!

I have been asked the question, "What matters to you and why?" a lot lately in some form or another. And from that I have had to create promises and commitments involving this love for things that matter to me. Thus, I have spent a great deal of time holding that question in my space. I have come up with the answer that connections matter to me and from that I created two unique projects. One from which I'll need the help of the #sachat community and one which is a smaller research project within my own community. From these bigger ideas I have created a few smaller ones, (happens the other way around usually, I know).

As part of the requirement of my Student Affairs cohort this semester we were each asked to take an hour of the seminar and present about what matters to us. (Connection, if you forgot). Through a series of great connections, I was able to get my hands of 5 copies of the DiSC Personality Test. Awesome! I took this test when I was a sophomore in college and on the Leadershape retreat and was curious to see if anything had changed over the 5 years since I last took it.

Diligently we all used paper clips to mark the preferences that would determine our leadership personalities. If you are not familiar, here's a quick summary:

Dominance- emphasis on shaping the environment by overcoming opposition to accomplish results.

influence-emphasis is on shaping the environment by influencing or persuading others.

Steadiness-emphasis on cooperating with other within existing circumstances to carry out the task.

Conscientiousness-emphasis is on working conscientiously within existing circumstance to ensure quality and accuracy.

Here's a longer description.

5 years ago I was a D with a close C. Let me just tell you, 5 years can change a person immensely. I am now a high i and D is my lowest.

So what does that mean for me? For starters, I am good at persuading people.  AND, surprise, it means I like connecting to others and am good at it!! That makes sense. Other things include that I am articulate, motivating, enthusiastic, optimistic, and I like participating in groups. My ideal work environment involves social recognition, freedom of expression, counseling, and opportunities to verbalize ideas. That could explain why I am struggling to grow in my current work environment!

Some of the areas in which I need balance include time management, working with 'things' instead of people, follow-through, decision making, realistic expectations of others, prioritizing, and being more firm.

What else did I learn about myself? Well, I am self-promoting, in case you couldn't tell yet, (I have the Promoter Pattern). Besides that, I also discovered (already knew) that my goal is to get approval and to be popular amongst those I know. Another shocking discovery is that I judge others by their verbal skills. Again, this is not surprising to me as Facebook statuses that have 'your' and you're' wrong in them drive me crazy. I overuse praise and optimism, but also am influenced by them. I like to interact with others even if I am not that interested in the task, and generally don't go into group tasks with the goal of accomplishing them. I tend to overestimate people (check mark in that box!).  I thrive on meetings, committees, and conferences. (check!).

Yet, knowing all this about myself and how much I love group work, it's interesting to note that I hate groups. For example, if a friend invites me out with a group of her friends, I end up not being able to go because the side of me that wants to impress people gets too scared of what they'll think of me. So, I end up staying home and avoiding scenes like that.

Student Affairs applications? In our cohort of 4, each one of us had a different letter as our highest. Yay! That means we can all help each other where we struggle. And...in a way we all sort of complete each other. Cheesy, I know. But knowing that about each other really gives us the opportunity to learn from each other. It also makes us all aware of how we are when we work with others. This allows us to change our approach if we need to, depending on the student or staff member with whom we're working.

This applies to how I learn best and with whom I am most comfortable. Ideally, I need certain people-oriented traits in my work environment. The same goes for the classroom. That might be why I had a panic attack when there were no due dates on two of my syllabi this year. No due dates mean my time management is out of the window!

Do yourself a favor and take a few personality tests to learn more about who you are. And, in a few years, take them again! People change. We have experiences and grow from them, thus changing how we approach things. In order to be good for our students, we must know how we lead.

The Challenge of Certain Communities

It's been a struggle lately to find myself a community in which I feel at home. It's especially discouraging since my main community is within the Student Affairs realm, and Student Affairs is about creating community. As part of an exercise within my SA cohort, we were asked to choose a community we're a part of and describe it. I chose my office at the Center for Health and Wellness Promotion.
I have found myself quite challenged in that environment when it comes to community. There is a clear line dividing the clinical half of the office from the 'other' side, where I work. Often their doors are shut because they have students in their offices, or they are at meetings. We all work in offices, except the student employees and our office manager, but if we're all in our offices we don't see each other. It is sort of like working alone. Which is challenging because I live alone, so there is not a lot of interaction during the day.
The other challenge I find is that most students who come into the office don't really want to be there; they were written up for drinking in the dorms or have worse problems and need to see a counselor. So, I can't just walk out of my office and say hi to these students because of confidentiality reasons. This leaves me waiting for meetings with the group I advise or hoping they'll remember their one on one appointments.
I've always imagined a community as fun, changing and diverse. I know diversity differs in several ways, but we are an office of all white females. And, yes, sometimes there is music playing in the office, but that doesn't always make it fun.
For all of this, however, I have grown to learn that community looks differently in different places. There is some sort of community in the office, even if it's not one in which I feel like myself. I have decorated my office to make it feel mine, but I'm not a quiet person. I like being able to see people and interact. If I have learned anything, it is to be inquisitive with my next job about what community feels like in the office. I will look around to see if there are desks or offices. I will find out who comes into the office regularly. I hope that I will be able to put myself in an office environment with more student and staff interaction.
Knowing that community looks different is an important lesson and vital to me being able to enjoy and grow for the next few months in my position. Not every office has student interaction every day. And not ever office has desks together or offices. When looking for new jobs, those are things to keep in mind. I now know that my strengths are brought out when I'm connected to others, and though some days it is a challenge to feel comfortable in my position, I do know that things will and can change.

Body Image and Our Role

In the proper honor of #NEDAW11 (National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2011), I felt a post about body image would be appropriate.  How many of you know someone who is struggle with disordered eating or an eating disorder?  You all better raise your hands!  You might not be aware of it, but there is someone in your life (especially if your life involves college students) struggling daily with a battle that is classified as an addiction.
Since starting my position at the Center for Health and Wellness Promotion, I have personally met with six students who are living with either an eating disorder or disordered eating.  What's the difference, you ask? Eating disorders are diagnosed as Anorexia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder (BED), Bulimia Nervosa, and Obesity and/or Overweight.  Disordered eating includes symptoms of any of these diseases, but not at such an extreme level.  Counting calories, over exercising, binging, skipping meals, etc are just some of the 'lesser' symptoms of someone struggling with disordered eating.  Basically, if what you're consuming (or not consuming) is a risk to your health, it's a problem.  Back to those six students I've encountered since being here-three of them have been hospitalized numerous times for their disorders.  Two of them show signs of disordered eating: stress causes them to eat more than they think they should, so they end up at the gym for several hours burning off those extra calories.  One student is battling her body image and losing.

While I think all of those disorders are super important to learn about, and that there are numerous and varied reasons why they began and grew in the first place, I believe they are the end result of a long struggle against an image of what is considered beautiful.  And that is where I write from today.

We, as Student Affairs Professionals, work with students on a daily basis: lots of students on some days.  And sometimes lots of other professionals.  We talk about the weather, the news, our departments, universities, etc.  We gossip about each other (don't even try to deny it!), celebrities, what's in and what's out.  The Oscar's are coming up and the Grammy's just passed.  The only way to be nominated for a 'best-dressed' award is to show some skin (and look good doing it).  Remember when Jennifer Hudson was...full figured?  Me neither.  But those incessant Jenny Craig commercial remind me that she must have been overweight once upon a time. How about Kelly Clarkson?  She was the small town girl trying to make it as a singer on the first American Idol (what number are they on now, by the way?)  The media is giving her a hard time because she's put weight on.  I think she looks good, but I might be alone on that. Or Carrie Underwood?  These are women who are supposed to be our idols and either they just keep losing weight, or they're under fire for putting some on.  Of course, I'm not against people losing weight for their health or because they want to feel more comfortable with themselves, but if the media continues to throw images of diet pills, Nutrisystem and cellulite cream in our faces, what are we expected to think?  'Umm....I'm fat.'  'I want to look like those people who have been dieting.'

That's a lot of unfair pressure to put on individuals.  And I know the focus is generally on women, but this affects men, too.  The media is unfair to them, as well.  Just walk into Abercrombie and Fitch and, male or female, you will feel insecure (and overdressed.).

This is where I believe Student Affairs Professionals can really make a difference.  We interact and meet with students constantly.  Our students look up to us to make a difference in their lives whether or not they know it.  Instead of, 'You look great today.'  we could say something positive about that student's personality.  We can also mirror this behavior with other staff members to encourage them to feel good about themselves.  We can denounce stereo-types about beauty by making sure all types of beauty are represented in our offices and waiting areas.  We can sit with students who are struggling and be that positive role model in multiple ways.  Instead of gossiping about who looks good or bad in what outfits, say kind things.  And this goes for you personally, too.  I know if I eat a few pieces of chocolate, I get down on myself.  It gets worse if I spend an entire day reading, watching television and playing on my computer.  I immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm fat and lazy.  Holding those images in my mind only encourage me to take that negative attitude into my work environment.  If I call myself fat for having eaten 'too much' around someone who might be physically larger than myself, how would he/she feel?  How would you feel?  How have you felt in that situation?

It's time to take body image to a positive and loving place where everyone can appreciate who they are.  As Lady Gaga says, 'I'm beautiful in my way cause God makes not mistakes.'

World AIDS Day

World AIDS Day, December 1st, has always been something for which I enjoy programming.  I was thrilled this year when I was called and asked to be a partner in sponsoring for a World AIDS Day program.  We then partnered with several other student groups and what I imagined to be a small program, grew to something much bigger than I imagined.

Once I had an idea of how big we wanted the program to be, I started contacting companies who I knew were connected to the AIDS charities and community.  MAC, who has created the Viva Glam Campaign volunteered several of their consultants in order to provide make-overs for students.  We used their Viva Glam lipstick to 'kiss' students, (draw an AIDS ribbon on student's cheeks), and the student organization who kissed the most students was able to chose the local charity we'd be donating the proceeds of the events to.
After contacting MAC, I got in touch with Aldo.  After some back and forth discussion with them they were able to donate to us 100 This Is Not A Drill canvas bags.  We asked for a donation in any amount and then gave away the bags to those who contributed.
We also had a bake sale to raise money, which added to the donations we could give to a local charity.
As part of the event, we also had a human statistic demonstration.  In the United States, every nine and a half minutes a new person is diagnosed with HIV.  So, every nine and a half minutes a student walked into the dining area with a red shirt on and a red balloon tied to his/her wrist.  At the end of the two hours, 13 students walked into the dining area representing 13 newly diagnosed cases of HIV.  They stood on the stairs overlooking the dining hall and gave a speech about the statistic and what we can do to help change those numbers for the better.
I was proud to be a part of this successful event and feel as though we did make a difference on campus.  Educating students, especially on this campus, is tricky.  Getting their attention is a challenge; we have to fight over the iPods and cell phones and generally we lose, but I do believe we 'kissed' a number of students that day.  Raising awareness is the most important piece to changing the statistics.  We all have to start somewhere and I hope this event helped the USD campus.

GYT and Julian apple pies

I had the opportunity of being a part of the Greater Than Yourself (or Greater Yourself Than, depending on your nametag) retreat this past weekend. There were representatives from IFC, Pan-Hellenic, LiNK, Emerging Leaders and some other UF groups. I was asked very last minute to attend, but looked forward to it because I still felt that I hadn’t made many connections with students. Plus, I was going as the only grad assistant/facilitator, so I thought it would be a good chance for me to get closer with some of the directors from different departments. In doing all of this, I feel like I really grew and developed, plus helped so many students open their eyes to who they are as people and as leaders.
The retreat was broken down into three pieces (following the model of GTY): Expand Yourself (learning your roots and identities), Give Yourself (what are you good at, what can you give to the community?) and Replicate Yourself (GTY project!). The next three paragraphs break down what activities we did to represent the different pieces.

Expand Yourself:
They began by learning just how hard it is to be successful if they were competing against each other instead of communicating. The next day we dove deep into identities, pushing people out of their comfort zones. A few students were crying by the end of our morning activities, but it was easy to see that for the first time these students were dealing with where they came from and the privileges they’ve taken on (or been given). Watching as students learned how being white is a privilege, and/or being male, and then that connection they make with what they can do to make a difference is rewarding. Even just the connection they made with being a USD student is gratifying.

Give Yourself:
They continued to open their minds as they learned different leadership styles and what worked for them versus what was completely opposite. I highly participated in this event and learned quite a bit about my own skills and how they’re limited, helpful, distracting, etc and how I could use that knowledge when working in groups, which I found helpful. I know in this activity I was less observant with how the students reacted and more focused on how I could apply what I learned to my personal things. They also did a lot of reflection on the skills they each had and how that could really help when working in their communities.
This night included the fantastic 'Adan Show' during which the students played Extreme Minute to Win It.  They were so much fun to watch.  Adan came up with some fantastic ideas for them!  The weekend, however, would not have been complete without some amazing Julian apple pies, so 6 pies later, we had some happy, full students.

Replicate Yourself:
On our last day there, we all committed to finding a GTY project. Each student was asked to identify one student they felt they could really help grow into a successful leader. I’m still looking for mine, but I’m excited at the prospect of building a student into a better, more effective leader. The purpose behind this being that it is so important to lift people up ahead of us, not hold them back because we’re afraid of them being better than us. 

The weekend was truly a success in all aspects: not only did I meet 26 new students and got closer with the staff, but those students walked away from that retreat with a new view on leadership. The first night was a bit trying as they tried to figure out what they were doing in Julian , CA, but most of them remained open minded to the experience even if they didn’t quite understand it. I do think a few of them walked out of there with a more open mind. My proof being some of their Facebook comments.