What's Love Got To Do With It??

I have recently realized that when I look in the mirror, I no longer recognize myself. When I talk, I sometimes am not sure whose voice is coming out of my mouth. When I sit quietly, I'm unsure if the quiet in my mind belongs to me. Yet, I know this is who I am. Or am becoming.
I am sure I can't describe to you what my semester has been like. It's been busy, yes, but I feel like most of the work I've done is not busy work. It's all been meaningful. That's not something I'm used to. Work that has an actual purpose besides to be graded. Speaking of grades, I only have only received one this entire semester. That would normally stress me out considering how many papers I've handed in; but, I'm learning to just let it be.

One of the many pictures that describes my shadow

So, where was I six months ago? Where am I now? I don't have an answer to either of those questions, I just know that if I tried to create answers, they'd be quite different. The one thing I distinctly notice is the quietness of my mind. I used to have thoughts constantly. I used to not be able to relax because of all of the noise. Recently, I realized that it's quiet in there. I can meditate pretty easily, which clears my mind even further. And, I sleep more regularly and better than I have in years.

What's changed? I spent a semester in the care of Dr. Zachary Green and Dr. Athena Perrakis. The created a space for me to change. Or to see that it was time to change. I think. Of Love and Leadership, an emergent course with no description, provided me with cherished time to reflect on my light and shadow. It was almost like therapy, but instead of just talking about my problems, (which has been all of my therapy experiences up until this point), I had to face my problems. Recognize them. Call them out for being overwhelming. And then realize they were never as big as they seemed. For the first time, I was not only acknowledging my shadow, but working with it.

Every single person in that class became integral to my success. They became the people who helped me take down my walls. And then let me take them down myself. I don't really know how it happened. I can't quite explain how an entire class went from apprehensive to loving in just a semester's time. I guess when you experience change as individuals of a group, you change as a group. Maybe. We learned to love. We learned to trust the process even when the process involved play-doh, markers, legos, dancing, music making, sand, candles, ceremonies, gemstones, and love offerings. I finished this class a much different person than I was when I started.

Of Love and Leadership family

If this is confusing to you, which I'm sure it is, I'm not sorry. Nor will I go back and try to make it make sense. There is no way to make sense of it all. Maybe with some distance. I learned how to love. And how to lead. And how important they both are to success. And to happiness. I learned that society in general is far too apprehensive of the word love. For some reason when people hear it, they automatically assume that it must be romantic; yet, for those who are successful, they use all kinds of love everyday. I feel all those levels of love in my life all of the time now. I am more sensitive to it. I am more generous with it. I am grateful for it.

Most importantly, when it comes to the work I hope to do with my life in both academic and student affairs, I learned that people are not as loving as they could be. For some reason, I feel as though this community believes love is something you must earn, not just give out freely. Perhaps that exists in all facets of society; but, the work I tried to do on my final project for this class proved to me that student affairs is not a loving environment unless you're 'in.' Unless you're cool and sit with the cool kids. With that said, I have met some fantastically loving people who give love no matter what in these divisions. They give me the faith and hope that I am heading in the 'right' direction. I strive to always be one of those people.

As was said on our last night of class, people like us are not meant to be together. We are meant to go out into the world and share our love; we grow this love in others, then we all move on again. It's sad to think I won't always be with people who get this concept because it is easy to be with them; yet, I understand why we must all disperse and hold each other in our fields. I love you all. Deeply. Truly.
Here's what happens after a semester together:



Perhaps, then, I do recognize myself. My voice. My quiet mind. I feel fuller. Happier. Closer to the self I have wanted to be for many years. Again, I love you all. With all of my heart.